The Law of Desire
by TeaRoses
Summary: A very short AxI fic -- third and last little section up. May be a bit OOC and mushy but I tried. Titled after a Pedro Almodovar film. My first Hellsing fic. Spoilers.
1. Default Chapter

I stole the title from a Pedro Almodovar film. It was a gay film, but this fic is Alucard x Integra or perhaps Integra x Alucard. I'm going to stop now before the introduction gets longer than the fic.  
  
The Law of Desire  
  
There are many rules.  
  
I must walk to the door and knock on it, never merely appearing in the room. I often think this is riskier, when the most basic rule would seem to be to not be discovered. But in this as in all things she is my master.  
  
She answers the door tonight wearing her nightgown. When I enter the room I spend a few moments just looking at the way her hair falls against her and her unaccustomed vulnerability. I know her better than anyone, but I do not know why she reveals this only to me.  
  
Sometimes I am playful with her, even aggressive, but I know today has been difficult for her and she is tired so I merely wait. Finally she reaches for my hand, and lifts it to her face. I begin to stroke her hair and back, hoping to relax her. I often think that I know what she is feeling, and I hope I am right now.  
  
She puts her head against my chest and I wonder as I always do what she thinks of the coldness of my skin and my strange, sluggish hearbeat. But she has always known what I am.  
  
Finally we kiss, and I try to convey all the ancient unnamed emotions that I must not speak out loud. I look into her eyes and she nods and kisses me again.  
  
Then we are lying together and for a while the only rule is the law of desire. I allow myself to remember the first time, when it all began, then I allow myself to forget everything.  
  
It is afterward, when I am holding her, that I am the most tempted to break the silence. I want to ask her if she wishes everything were different, if she wishes I could offer her what only an ordinary man can offer her. I want to tell her that when I leave I will wander back to my room confused and saddened again.  
  
But I merely wait until she is asleep and slip away from her, hoping that soon she will once more press the note into my hand that reads only "Tonight." 


	2. Chapter 2

(Many thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. I wasn't sure whether I should continue this but several people seemed to want me to, thanks! This is a prequel to the last chapter, explaining how the affair got started. I did pay attention to the feedback that Alucard was a bit too soft and mushy. but I didn't want to totally change my depiction of the character in the middle of the fic. And Integra may be a bit OOC here too but I'm trying to establish that these are exceptional circumstances. Oh, and I'm sorry the chapters are so short, I'm still getting used to writing again.)  
  
A few years ago, after the defeat of Incognito and her release from prison, Integra was certain that Hellsing would never rise again. For myself, I was indifferent to the end of this institution, but I was still bound to my master. I continued to protect her. Sometimes I was the only person she seemed able to turn to.  
  
Integra, however, had changed. She was withdrawn and depressed, and had no answer to my usual barbs and banter. I was surprised at her acceptance of defeat. She had always been so strong, but she was faced with the loss of her life's only goal.  
  
It only made her mood worse when Walter became ill. Yet another strong person was becoming weak before my eyes. Integra still ran what missions she could with our limited resources but I could see the strain getting worse and worse.  
  
One day she had a meeting with the Iscariot Organization. Turning to them for help was a desperate measure. I wanted another shot at Father Anderson, but nothing else to do with Iscariot, and I refused to go. So I was not there when the meeting turned ugly.  
  
When I found her she was sitting by a river on the grounds. It had long been her favorite place, and I was hesitant to interrupt her there. But she spoke first.  
  
"They will not be of any aid to the Hellsing organization as long as we continue to shelter monsters."  
  
"Well, surely you expected that, Master."  
  
"I merely told them that you and Seras are worth more to me than any aid they could possibly give. But I didn't expect them to insult my father, and my entire lineage."  
  
I laughed. "Since when do you listen to their garbage?"  
  
Integra shook her head and looked at the river. I could see she looked as if she might cry. I had not seen her cry since her childhood. And even then she would never turn to anyone for help. In some ways my master was always a mystery to me, and I had no idea how to approach her now. Finally I put a hand on her shoulder and waited.  
  
She stood up and brushed herself off. Quietly, almost as an offhand remark, she said, "Then that bastard had to tell me I'm not a real woman."  
  
At any other time we might have laughed together about what a priest could know of women, but I could see that this remark had somehow wounded her deeply. I walked in front of her, looked her in the eye and said, "I wish I could show you that you are a real woman."  
  
She held my gaze for a long time, and suddenly I realized I was going to kiss her. I admit I had pictured doing this before, but I had never found a good time, and now might be the worst time of all. But all I could think of now was to make some contact with her, and she welcomed it, pressing close to me as if to gather some of my strength.  
  
What followed there by the river was a closeness I never realized she could want. Yet I still didn't know if I had given her what she was seeking. 


	3. Chapter 3

(Here's the third and last part. many thanks to my readers! It's short again, as I somehow couldn't keep the mushiness under control. Now I'm working on a longer, lighter AxI story, which should be up soon, and also thinking up another, longer Trigun fanfic.)  
  
Soon I noticed that Integra seemed stronger and her resilience had returned. Perhaps she had taken some strength from me after all. She began in earnest to rebuild Hellsing, and she had some success. Walter recovered from his illness, though he would always be frail. I continued battling upstart vampires on Hellsing's behalf.  
  
I tried to discuss our encounter with Integra but she always refused. I wondered if she had only turned to me in desperation and was now regretting it. For myself, I didn't know what to think of why I had initiated such intimacy with her. But when I finally asked her straight out if she would appreciate a nighttime visit, she nodded. And so it began, though she insisted on keeping these nights separate from the rest of her life. She needs to make rules, though tonight I will break one, and watch her until she awakens.  
  
I have become the person who knows the most about Integra: her acerbic wit and her tenderness, her gravity and her passion, her resourcefulness and her deep needs. If she could only accept both sides of herself and balance them, instead of keeping so much in hiding, she might be happier. But perhaps I don't really know what makes humans happy.  
  
There is still much I wonder about. How, really, does she look at me? As a silent comfort? As a lover, despite the centuries of blood on my hands and in my mouth? I wish I could know, instead of guessing from smiles and caresses. But it is enough, after all, to have this.  
  
As for me, why am I here? This woman is a mark of brightness in the dark years that stretch behind and before me. Every time I am able to touch her I am able to think of something besides blood and death. I have no regrets about what I am or what I have done, but to have respite from it is precious.  
  
I hope Integra is also able to find rest with me. It is no life for a human, the constant threats, battles, freaks and ghouls. For her sake, things should be different. At times I wish I could take her to a place where there is no Hellsing, no Iscariot, and no monsters save one. 


End file.
